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Humans are terrible.
This was, as far as Commander Qualitas Dysmonia was concerned, an immutable fact of life. True, he had never directly talked with one for more than five minutes, if that. But he didn’t feel he needed to. He’d spent his entire military career - which was, he would also be the first to admit, not really all that long so far, but certainly constantly switching between too exciting and too boring - hating humans.
It was practically the job description. In a time of war, he had been stuck fighting humans and their allies - collectively known as the Union - exclusively. In this time of peace, he’d found himself stuck on a shoddy, rotting old cruiser patrolling space for any signs of Union ships wandering beyond their borders into Alliance territory. He had never seen a human he wouldn’t have to shoot at some point. He didn’t enjoy it, but they never really gave him a choice in the matter.
So to say that Qualitas was a little incensed at what he had just been told would be something of an understatement.
“What? What is it?” said the aging wolf on the screen, his gray fur bristling along his snout with curiosity. The screen his face was presently occupying doubled as the front window of what could charitably be called the ship’s bridge. Qualitas sat back in the captain’s chair, tapping the edge of his cold nose repeatedly, in what the wolf on the screen recognized as Qualitas’ way of showing that he was irritated with whatever you were presently saying.
“You want me to track down a wanted criminal and bring him back to a Union colony?” said Qualitas, his voice low and filled with disbelief and a light but slowly building rage. “With all due respect, sir-“
“…Doctor Orion, that seems incredibly pointless. Or perhaps even stupid.”
The good doctor cleared his throat and leaned back in his chair. While he was not, as such, part of the Alliance military, Doctor Orion Vanguard was a very prominent member of one of Fuiz’s most powerful clans, and highly prolific in the Alliance as well. It was rumored - and of course, therefore absolutely true - that he was very close friends with the President herself. More importantly, he was Qualitas’ godfather. As far as Fuizan society was concerned, Orion was and would probably always be Qualitas’ superior.
He tented his fingers for a moment, one of his ears twitching. “I am afraid you misunderstand, Qual,” he began, putting heavy emphasis on “misunderstand” in an entirely unnecessary way. “Reath is not, as such, a full Union colony, despite what records would tell you. In fact, I daresay if you were to go planet side few of its residents would even know what a Union was. They have other things to worry about than galactic politics. Like infectious diseases and the occasional outbreak of the not-living.”
“I’ve been very politely asked not to use the Z-word anymore.”
Orion coughed politely and cleared his throat. “Reath’s, ahem, largest ‘government’. The Morelia Empire, they call it. Doesn’t even take up the entire planet, can you believe that?”
“Why would they ask you not to say the word ‘zombie’?”
“Shhhhh. They have a…Uh…Campaign for Undead Rights, apparently.”
“…Zombies have rights?”
“They might on Reath. And soon. It’s quite powerful, as you may have imagined. The Empire is trying to squash it, but the movement is growing. Regardless, it’s only tangentially important to your mission.”
“…I’m going to have to deal with zombies at some point.”
“It’s not important. You’re getting ahead of things.”
“You wouldn’t have brought it up otherwise.”
“What’s a few of the…livingly challenged to you? You’ve dealt with them before! It’ll be easy for a team as talented as yours.”
“Nighthawk craved brains for months.”
“He was probably just going through a phase.”
“Beaks are sharp. It was terrifying.”
“You’ve had plenty of practice! I have complete faith in you.”
Qualitas groaned and rubbed his eyes, shaking his head. Orion was, Qualitas knew, a good wolf. Maybe his mind was a little bit on the money, but that was forgivable in his position. But Orion’s incredible enthusiasm for any and every job he gave Qualitas tended to wear thin after a number of years. Certainly, Orion had seen plenty of weird things himself, being the most renowned geneticist in the entire Alliance, but there was a limit to what Qualitas wanted presented to him as if it was no big deal.
“Fine. Give me the details, Doctor…”
It’s my original novel that I’ve been working on for years and only just now is in the final stages of rewrites and such, because I am incredibly lazy.
It’s about a planet called Reath and the bizarre Sci-Fantasy universe that surrounds it. If you’re expecting hard sci-fi and scientific explanations for all the fantasy stuff, this probably isn’t the book for you! If you’re expecting it to be serious from beginning to finish, this is definitely not the book for you! It’s a comedy. Sure, it’s dark at points, but it’s still fundamentally a comedy.
It’s also about young squad leader named Qualitas Dysmonia and his terrible team of misfits, who find themselves stuck in the middle of a traditional fantasy novel that they desperately wish to escape from following a series of blunders.
It is not AdultStuck. AS is a fan fiction and completely unrelated.
Any excerpts from the novel that appear on this blog, small though they may be, are the property of Geoffrey S. Drake. You are allowed to share the excerpts on this blog, that’s why they’re on tumblr. You MAY NOT claim them as your own or attempt to use them for monetary gain.